Click here to join the England Football Learning group and chat with other members
OPTIONS
DETAILS
  • State Suggested Answer
  • Replies 31 replies
  • Answers 2 answers
  • Subscribers 374 subscribers
  • Views 28219 views
  • Users 0 members are here
RELATED

How to deal with an over bearing parent

Gemma McCulloch

So I reluctantly stepped forward to coach/manage my son's U8 team. It has taken me completely out of my comfort zone but we're three matches in and I have to say I'm loving it. I don't have an assistant yet so am doing the coaching and managing myself. This is all new to me and it's the first year the boys have played in a league so new to them as well. We've yet to win a game but we keep smiling and I ensure I encourage the boys to just have fun whatever the outcome. My issue is one of the dad's. Every match so far he stands on the sidelines shouting at the boys telling them what to do and where to stand. He is contradicting what I'm telling the boys and what I'm trying to encourage them to do during the match. Being a man his voice carries further than mine. This weekend he surpassed himself. After one of the quarters my team were standing on the pitch waiting for the other team so they could start the next quarter. This dad ducks under the respect line, runs onto the pitch and moves the boys to where he thinks they should be. It completely undermined me in front of the kids, parents, opposition and referee. My question is have you dealt with something similar and if so, how without causing a fall out? Any suggestions greatly received. Thanks. Gemma

  • 0

    Oh my. God, you sound in the same Position as me. Firstly, massive well done for stepping upto the plate. I don't have this at matches but do at training. I started by posting things in our WhatsApp chat.. Like The respect code and bluntly putting that spectators do not know what the coach has Told the kids so to please only shout positive encouragement, then put it bluntly.. Anyone not respecting this will be asked to leave.. Your welfare officer can do this for you. I had. To say.. Youre confusing the kids, the kids are frustrated with you,. You're embarrassing your child OR if you think you can Do better please get yourself fa qualified and join in. Chin up... You're smashing it. Feel. Free. To contact me. X

    • 0 in reply to Caroline Hill

      Thank you Caroline. I'm sorry to hear you're suffering something similar. I don't like to use the whole "woman" thing but I do feel as though if I were a "dad" he wouldn't be doing this and he certainly didn't do it to the established coach the boys had in the years running up to them starting in a league. I definitely need to nip it in the bud early otherwise it will just escalate. I think I will try and speak to him after training on Wednesday and see what happens. Hopefully he will have the respect after that to let me do what I'm trying to do otherwise it'll have to take it to the next level! I certainly won't let it continue. I wish you the very best of luck x

      • 0 in reply to Gemma McCulloch

        Stick in there Gemma, the kids are the first barometer of how you are doing. From bitter experience I can also reassure you it happens to dads as well.  Sounds like you are feeling a  little alone on this, although the support on line here should help you get through. The CWO should be made aware of the fact a parent encroached (the oppo may well have informed their CWO). You can then chose how to work with the CWO on this one. If you haven't seen the FA Video Safeguarding for Committee members (free & online) it is worth a look. I have been CWO for a long time and I would would want to know this happened and how you'd want me to play it (within the boundaries of my over riding responsibile for safeguarding).  Let us all know how you get on though

        • 0 in reply to Paul Mady

          Hi Paul, many thanks for your message. Although it's not nice to hear it happening to others it's reassuring to know it's not just me! The support I've received to my post has been great and there's some great advice. I must confess I didn't think it was serious enough to involve the Club but having read some of the responses it's clear I should and for them to decide if they want/need to take it further. In the first instance I will speak to him and I will let my Club know of his response. Hopefully its a case that he's getting caught up in the moment and not realising the detriment he is causing nor the rules he is breaking. I will let you all know how it goes.

      • 0

        This is where your club should also support you, that barrier is the respect barrier and he clearly needs reminding of this, Ask with the presence of someone else aswell to not do what he is doing and if it continues his child will come off the pitch 

        Sounds harsh but these parents need to be told 

        most likely a better way of saying what I’ve said but you get the gist 

        • 0 in reply to Trevor Dawes

          Thank you Trevor. I obviously didn't want to raise it at the time as it just makes me look unprofessional and it's not something the boys should witness. I will however have the awkward conversation with him on Wednesday after training. The boys' previous established coach will be there and I can ask him to be with me so the dad knows it's serious. He certainly wouldn't have done it if it was the established coach there and not me! Best of luck to you.

        • 0

          Firstly, well done for putting yourself forward and stepping out of your comfort zone. What you describe shows why it is so important to clearly set out what you believe in from the very start. You should have some kind of communication that goes out to parents that outlines your expectations. What this parent is doing is completely unacceptable but you could give him the benefit if the doubt that he does not know. If I were you I would draw something up for the parents based on your expectations of them and I would also include the FA spectator guidelines that you can download from the website. I would see how that goes first. If he ignores this then you could potentially take it two ways. You could approach him and ask if he is keen to assist (if you wanted that) or you need to be clear that he cannot behave in this way and if it  continues he will not be able to spectate. Your players are only 7 so you have many years of this to go if you allow it to happen. Leadership is amazing but it will inevitably bring conflict at some stage. Good luck! 

          • 0 in reply to Andrew David

            Thank you Andrew. On the course I did we were told one of our biggest headaches would be the parents! I'm very lucky in that the other parents are great and appreciate I'm learning as I'm going. The boys are all keen to come to training so they're enjoying it which is the main goal. Unfortunately it's just that one bad apple. I think the direct approach is definitely the way to go and to do it early otherwise I'll never regain control. Best of luck to you.

          • 0

            Firstly well done for stepping up.  It's really hard leading a team without any assistance from other coaches.

            It sounds like this parent has well and truly overstepped the line in so many regards.

            Firstly, does your club have a parent/ carer code of conduct.  That's the first place to start.  These should be clear, simple rules to follow that when a child signs up the parent/ carer signs too.

            If you don't, feel free to adapt something like ours https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/files.pitchero.com%2Fclubs%2F39187%2FhW5Qtq0QCy3VrfC1Dyai_BAJFC+Parents+Code+of+Conduct+2016.pdf

            Either reinforce what you have or share something new.  There is also the new "Pledge for Positivity" from the FA.  We've used that to remind parents and carers that whilst we want their positive claps and cheers we also want then kids to focus on the coaches direction or to explore their own creativity.

            Finally, Mark out a respect line and area for the parents to stand.  Ask a fellow parent to help arrange and enforce it.

            Best of luck with your season Thumbsup

          • Former Member
            0 Former Member

            Well not only has he gone against all RESPECT guidelines, but also ignored all Covid rules by entering the pitch and being in close contact with the squad.  As club secretary, I would step in at this stage and have words with him and then send a copy of that discussion to him over email.  

            • 0 in reply to Former Member

              Thank you Louise. It's a worry how many rules he is breaking, not just the FA ones! After reading some responses it's become clear that my Club need to be made aware, so I will ensure that they are.

            • 0

              Hi Gemma. Football needs people like you so well done on taking on your coaching journey! Unfortunately we come across people like this from time to time. Here are a few things which I used ( and still do ) when I was first starting out. 

              They are children first and foremost who want to have fun playing football

              5 a side foundation mini soccer is a version of football designed for learning

              All the children will see is an angry adult making lots of noise for no good reason!

              Mini soccer appears to be the same version of the adult game to some people, a gentle reminder that the children are taking their first steps in the game is a good thing to do 

              You will work out. Get to know your players and their parents and remember you are doing this for the greater good and your players will not forget the positive impact you are having on them ( & their parents )

              Best of luck..

              Paul

              • 0 in reply to Paul Mizen

                Hi Paul, many thanks for your response. Every thing you say I completely agree with. When the parents were first made aware I would be the coach I made sure to include in my introductory email that my main ethos is that the boys have fun. Passions run high and people get caught up in the moment and I suppose it's our job is to not only support the kids but also ensure the parents stay within the guidelines.

              • 0

                Hi Gemma

                Sorry to hear about this.  Not nice at all.

                Theres a really great short video on you tube called when I wear my magic shirt  that you can send a link to your parents. Its a great video because its produced from the child's perspective and it should help address the terrible attitude from that parent. Cheers and good luck. 

                • 0 in reply to Andrew Tonner

                  Hi Andrew

                  Your video suggestion sounds good. I can’t find it on youtube though. Could you send me the link please?

                  Can you speak to your Welfare Officer and ask for the code of conduct. Just remind the parents about it to start with and that they’re setting as much of an example to the children as anyone else.

                  If the interference happens again you have to tackle it head on and ask the parent concerned to get back behind the respect barrier and leave the coaching to you. 

                  If he gets the then he shouldn’t be allowed to spectate.

                • 0 in reply to Andrew Tonner

                  Hi Andrew. Thank you for your message and for sharing the video, which I was able to pick up from your link. Fortunately this dad isn't swearing or getting angry but I think the video also highlights the importance of shouting only to encourage. I will be sure to send it to the parents via our group chat. Good luck to you too.

                • 0

                  Keep up the good work gemma, yep get him told as soon as and get some support with an assistant. It will help you greatly have someone else to coach with and talk to.

                • 0

                  Hi Gemma hope your well and safe apart from this issue.

                  Well done for stepping up with your club and your team.

                  After coaching my sons team for a season and a half and being a parent on the sidelines before that we’ve been quite lucky to never have problems like this.

                  However during a pre season game we did have problems with vocal parents and I had to speak them all about keeping quite during games.

                  my advise is speak to them all and tackle it head on you maybe surprised they respond well to it the club should also be backing you on it. If you want / need specific advise drop me a message if you like and I’ll give some tips 07989213007

                  best wishes

                  james

                  • 0 in reply to James Findlow

                    Thank you James. I'm pleased to hear that all it took was a word from you to solve the problem. Fingers crossed I have the same success. I'll be sure to update you all with the outcome. Best wishes.

                  • 0

                    Hi Gemma,

                    Totally unacceptable.

                    First I would ask him if he wants to step forward and help officially, if he does make sure he does a coaching course.

                    Talk to you committee, club officials should attend the game and deal with, if they do not then speak to your County FA and they may send someone along to observe.

                    Good luck

                    Andy

                    • 0 in reply to Thomas Willis

                      Thank you Thomas. I shall be informing my club. I will also talk to the parent and be guided by the club as to whether any further action should be taken. I expect they have dealt with something similar before or have procedures in place for such things. Best of luck to you too

                    x An error occurred. Please try again or contact your administrator.