Darren Moss, The FA’s regional coach developer, explains the role empathy plays in building relationships and he offers tips on how to develop the skill as a coach.  

When we talk of empathy or, being empathetic, a few coaches I have spoken to in the past, have viewed this approach as a potential weakness.

‘Winning habits need ruthless players’, a youth coach once told me.  

Let us be clear. Empathy is not, as many people think, based just around pity and sympathy; causing some to possibly view it as a weakness. Instead, it is about trying to understand others, wanting to understand them and demonstrating the fact that you really want to.     

One of the most widely used words within definitions of empathy is ‘consideration’ and often a coach must consider many things. This can include organisation and planning of training sessions and equipment to use, along with scheduling fixtures. Therefore, if you, as a coach, can consider these many things then, where would people around you fit in? Surely the consideration of people around you and in your care, should be at the very top of this list? 

How do you support coaches and others to understand the importance of empathy? Also, how does being empathetic, and helping others show empathy, support you to be a more inclusive coach? 

Empathy is often termed a soft skill, but it can have so much power. You may be able to empathise with someone’s story or lived experience. As a person, do you ever find yourself having empathy and emotional resonance with something you witness on the screen such as a documentary or maybe a film? If so, you are on the way to seeing how empathy is a tool to help us understand others and connect as a coach. We can learn so much from others and we should see other people as a rich source of learning. Getting to know them and connecting can demonstrate true empathy which can only help our coaching skills and deepen our ways of communicating more positively. 

Developing empathy as a coach allows you to create bonds of trust within your team, club, or group. It may even give you more insight into what others are feeling and thinking. At its foundation, empathy informs your decision-making by sharpening your perceptions and intuition based on what you experience and feel. 
 
Here are a few tips towards becoming an empathetic coach: 
 
Listening

Empathetic coaches truly listen. Listening with open ears and an open demeanour, paying attention to the tone of voice, will help you to gain a better understanding of what is being said, felt and experienced. Actively listening will help you hone your radar to what is going on around you. Silent and listen are spelled with the same letters. Use both accordingly. 

Observe 

Successfully empathetic coaches understand the nonverbal actions that can say so much more about how players are feeling than any words can. Body language is often the most direct way people communicate what they think or feel, so be aware that their verbal communication may say something completely different. Watch, gauge, and get to know those around you. Also, be aware of your own body language - remain open when listening, be consistent, and show that you are interested in what people are saying. Spend some time considering how you come across when you communicate with others. 

Stay present

A coach who is attentive, smiling and approachable often gains trust, instills confidence and projects that they are in the present. Always checking your phone or being distracted during a session or a game will give off a sense that you don’t care and could negatively affect your relationship with your players. If someone in the team is speaking, listen, try to understand what they are saying and what their perspective is. Show empathy. 

Take a genuine interest

Empathetic coaches have a genuine curiosity about the lives of the players around them. They show interest by asking timely and genuine questions about their lives, their challenges, their families, their aspirations. It’s a very strong way to build a relationship. 

Finally, have a think about how empathy can be used in your own coaching. Try and view it as a strength, a tool to connect, a tool in your coaching toolbox. 

We would love to hear if you have any further ideas about how coaches can connect with players. Are you an empathetic coach? If so, how do you build or show your empathetic side? Let us know in the comments below!